Porridge

Backgammon can risk your life!

2008-11-21T13:55:00.000Z

Moscow man killed after betting life on game of backgammonRIA Novosti, November 19, 2008, Deetriot Free Press

MOSCOW — A 35-year-old Muscovite has admitted to murdering a visitor to his flat who agreed to stake his life on a game of backgammon, Russian news media have reported.

Sergei Smirnitsky was arrested in south Moscow on murder charges after reportedly knocking on his neighbor’s door to ask him to help drag a corpse from his eighth-floor flat to the street. The shocked neighbor called police instead.

The story began when Smirnitsky and his victim-to-be, 23-year-old Vasily Lobozov, agreed to share a taxi. During the ride, Smirnitsky invited his new acquaintance to come to his flat, and Lobozov agreed. Upon their arrival, Lobozov noticed and remarked upon a backgammon set sitting on the shelf.

“I made that in the labor camp,” said Smirnitsky, who had earlier served time for robbery. “It took me years.”

“Shall we play a game?” his guest replied.

Smirnitsky, who was reportedly in a dark mood following the recent death of his brother, then informed his guest that, “With that backgammon set you can only play for dough.”

When Lobozov replied that he had no money, his host answered: “Then stake your life.”

Lobozov, who presumably didn’t take the proposal seriously, agreed, and the two men sat down to play. Fifteen minutes later, after Smirnitsky had beaten his young opponent, he went into the kitchen, chose a knife, and plunged it five times into Lobozov’s neck.

“We agreed that he who lost would die,” Smirnitsky told an investigator in a recorded interview posted on the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper’s Website, adding: “He lost.”

Serenade

2007-11-13T22:38:00.000Z

Softly, pleading flows my singing
through the night to you.
Down to that still copse entreating
Love, I’ll wait for you.

Whispering, slender treetops rustling
in the moonlit glade,
of a traitor’s hostile listening.
Don’t, my love, be afraid.

Nightingales, you hear them singing?
Ah, they beg of thee,
with their notes and sweet complaining,
now they plead for me.

Well they know the heart’s desire
Well know lover’s pains.
Touching with their silver lyre
all heart’s finest strains.

Let also your heart be moved,
Love, oh hear me now!
Trembling, do I wait beloved,
come, your kiss bestow.

A beautiful translation of Ludwig Rellstab's poem (by my clever friend Ariel).
The original poem, in German, was set to music by Schubert for a 'Standchen.' Of all the translations I've read of this poem, Ariel's is the most beautiful.

21 Things I Want in a Lover

2007-10-30T20:44:00.001Z

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds? Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition? Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know That it alone does not equate wisdom? Do you see everything as an illusion? But enjoy it even though you are not of it? Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware? And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny, a la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer

I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter

These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush because I like being solo

There are no worries and certainly no pressure
in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week? Up for being experimental? Are you athletic? Are you thriving in a job that helps your brothers? Are you not addicted

...curious and communicative...

Indian Proverb

2007-10-29T10:43:00.000Z

"'Everyone is a house with four rooms - a physical, a mental, an emotional, and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time; but unless we go into every room every day even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person."

The Final Disappearance of Wit

2007-10-14T21:58:00.001+01:00

It's been about four months since Wit disappeared one summer's evening in July. One day she was sleeping on my bed with Nighty, the next some French visitors disturbed her slinked and she went outside, never to be seen again. Should I blame the French? It's tempting... ;-)

Poor old Wit. I imagine she impaled herself, or was shot, or got run over, or was eaten by a fox. We liked her, and Nighty misses her. Sometimes. When she's really, really bored.

We're moving house in two weeks and she won't be coming because she doesn't exist.

Poor old Wit. Never lived to see two years.

We lead a witless existence.

Buttercup Boy

2007-10-12T10:53:00.000+01:00

You come into my dreams as if nothing's different! Who asked you? Each night we talk and move, or dance and squabble. You don't want to leave me alone and mostly I don't mind as I don't want to leave you alone either. Where did you go, by the way? Do you still lie in that yellow and green summer field?

Psychiatrist Needed

2007-06-12T23:12:00.000+01:00

...becuase I saw a screaming skull in the pattern made by the shampoo as it slid down the inside of the shower.

Something's very wrong. :-0

Reflexology

2007-06-06T23:03:00.000+01:00

I keep getting a suddenly itchy left foot. What does this signify? I'm about to come into money? I've got cancer of the ovaries? Good luck will bless my family for the next ten years? I'm developing athlete's foot?

Knee News: Two Set-Backs

2007-06-06T23:01:00.000+01:00

Overall, I have had two set-backs to my knee in the past 13 months. One was that the original graft was not harvested or put in correctly, which meant that it partially came out after a few months and caused a blockage in my knee. This caused me never to be able to get full extension, which caused me to get arthritis in my knee. I needed a second oepration to clean out all the scar tissue that had formed and debride the patella. Second setback was when I fell down the stairs at nine months post op, just before my second op, and the knee felt unstable for the first time since the ACL reconstruction operation. Internal examination revealed fresh blood and damage around the inside my knee. Swelling lasted for a few days and sorenes for a couple of weeks then it was fine - but then right away I had the second operation.

I am also worried about a potential third set-back, although I hope this won't amount to anything. However, I played an hour and a half of badminton last night - a mere nothing by my old standards, but after that my knee was so sore I could barely walk. WHY?? The soreness was coming from a new spot now - just below the kneecap just to the right of the patella tendon. It was so sore in there that it was preventing full extension. Suddenly. Never had this pain before. And it's been like this today as well. I have FORCED the leg straight several times - just standing on it and easing it back until it reaches straight - but it does hurt. What could this be I wonder? Could this be the last bit of the graft finally coming out? I hope not. Knees can be so sore for no apparent reason, even after such a long time..

Operation Failure

2007-02-19T15:49:00.000Z

The second surgeon I went to see told me straight out that the original surgeon had done the operation wrongly, meaning that my graft was bound to fail, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

If the femoral and tibial tunnels are drilled at the wrong angle, even just slightly, there will be friction between the cruciate ligaments (the new graft and the original posterior one) or between the graft and the bones. Something will catch, something will get rubbed away, damage will be caused to internal structures. Anterior cruciate ligament reconstructions simply can't work unless they're done exactly right. It's an exact science! Otherwise the new graft can act like a cheese wire between the joints, or just get caught and act as a door wedge. I think the remaining 50% of mine is doing both of these things...

In my post op MRI the radiologist wrote "there is friction between the posterior cruciate ligament and the new graft." Here was proof.

In addition, the graft that was harvested from my hamstring at the time of the operation was too short. I know this because that's what Mr. XXX said during the operation - I was awake at the time, having chosen to have a spinal block rather than a general anaesthetic.

During the second operation the graft was found to have been ripped out at the bottom, sticking into the intercondular notch, preventing full extension of the leg. In other words, no matter what exercises I did, and how much I tried, I would never have been able to straighten my leg as the end of the graft was peeled back and lodged between the knee joint, getting in the way (like a door stop). Mechanically, it couldn't happen.

Basically this means I'm in a similar position to what I was before I had the first operation, except worse, since now there is a lot of damage that's happened in the meantime due to walking about with a bent knee for eight months. I would have been MUCH BETTER OFF not having the operation at all, or, of course, getting it done by someone who could do the job correctly.

Unfortunately for me, I now pay the price of a botched job and cannot do any sports. This is quite gutting since I used to do sports very often. In fact I remember clearly playing badminton eight nights a week several times! I used to go to the gym often and I jogged 5k three times a week. One side of my life has been UTTERLY RUINED by this half-hearted operation. Now I can do none of these activities.

As you can tell, I'm very angry about it, and will be thinking hard about what to do about my feelings, and where to project my energies.

I'm not too happy about the second surgeon as he only admitted that it was done wrongly when I repeated what my physio had said, which was that the scar tissue around the broken end of the graft was old and not newly formed, so it couldn't have happened when I fell down the stairs only two weeks before the op - although that's what the second surgeon let me believe. Besides this, he perved at me in the mirror, not shutting the door when I had to change and staring at my body when I thought I was in private. I caught him at it as our eyes met in the mirror - my expression outraged, his embarrassed. When I go back I'm going to pointedly bring Howard and shut the door between treatment room and office myself, making sure I say loudly, "just for a bit of PRIVACY."

I'm considering a third opinion, a third surgeon. I think I need to sue for compensation and I think I need someone I can TRUST and who will be on my side. Trouble is, I liked my original surgeon, Mr. XXX as a person, and I don't want to cause him any problems. But I need.... something.... to be done, to be said, to be admitted.... something... I just get consumed by the bad luck of it all. The anger is rather dominant!

I see my physio tomorrow and will go armed with questions and ideas. She is a lovely lady and I do feel I can trust her. I need some answers.

Meanwhile, I'm learning to walk again. But going downstairs and jogging are completely impossible due to agony behind the kneecap, caused by eight months of walking with a bent knee - the result of the graft failing, and possibly of it being done too tightly in the first place. It seems to me as if the entire operation that Mr. XXX did was utterly botched from the start.

A Beautiful Poem (not written by me)

2006-08-16T17:49:00.000+01:00

I kiss your face a thousand times
Again, again again.
I close your eyelids, smooth your hair
and fold your gentle hands.
Butterfly wings that beat against
the domed ceiling of this life
flutter free now in the open air.
And I will whisper this truth
into the viewless winds:
I love you. I love you. I love you.

If the master of the house beats a tambourine...

2006-08-13T21:56:00.000+01:00

......do not condem his family for dancing.

But in our family we dance to each other's tunes. :-)

The Triumphant Return of Wit!

2006-07-25T23:23:00.000+01:00

A phone call the other day greatly surprised me. The vet rang from a nearby town saying that they had my cat. I was surprised since I hadn't lost a cat, then I remembere Wit, the little kitten who left us four months ago. Of course she would be bigger now. But I was even more surprised to hear that she was nursing three two-day-old kittens. The vet asked if I could come and collect her now. I was rather stunned. I went from being the owner of one seven-year-old (mature) cat, Nighty, to the owner of five cats, three of them newborn kittens. I needed time to swallow the information and get my breath back.

Of course I collected her and was really delighted to have her with us once more. Strange thing when you condem someone as dead, believe they're gone for good, and then they turn up, as well as ever. You have to do some quick mental adjustments.

Wit is back for good, more dominating that ever with her three lively, growing babies..

I jogged!!

2006-07-20T12:25:00.000+01:00

I went to my mum's gym - and after doing a body pump class (lunges with weights etc etc) I went over to the treadmill and stared at it. I thought, "the PT has told me to be more confident, to jump and hop - so surely that means I could do a little teeny weeny jog...?" I stepped on, took a deep breath and set the machine to a slow walk, gradually increasing it until I was actually jogging! I was so pleased!! Big huge grin on zengirl's face. I must have done four complete minutes of jogging before I went back down to a walk again. My knee was sore, aching... but not a bad ache, I think a good ache - you know you can tell the difference.

So now I really want to join the gym. Since my mum goes practically every day I could get a lift with her so it would make it financially worth while. She only lives round the corner.

I know if I went to the gym and did that..say... three times a week I'd be really, seriously strong and fit in a couple of months time.

Back on Court - Naughty Girl

2006-06-23T16:56:00.000+01:00

Today I went back on the badminton court for the first time since my operation and I RESISTED the temptation to move my feet. The only trouble is now I have a huge, fluid-filled blister on the inside of my ...................................... finger.

I wouldn't recommend to anyone going on court only five weeks post op unless they're really sure of their partner's skill (as I was). I didn't have to move my feet at all, but I practiced smashing and driving and just generally getting the shuttlecock back over the net at a good speed. God, it was good to be back, and I REALLY DID want to move and get into it, but I knew there was just no way I could. Each time the shuttlecock went just a little ouit of my way my partner would shout LEAVE IT - like a command to a labrador, and I withdrew my racquet and let it fall to the floor.

Nonetheless, I noticed plenty of sweat running down my chest and it felt really good.

OMG I ran for the train!

2006-06-11T18:25:00.000+01:00

Yes.... it was a ridiculous spectacle. We had one minute to go before the train left platform 9B at Kings Cross and we were in the main lobby by the indicator board. Oh dear. Zengirl's gammy leg is not going to make it for sure. But we want to try; it's a very good train and is fast to our destination and we are tired.. Otherwise we face a wait late at night and.. No, no, let's try and get this train. Quick... come on... walk as fast as you can... Ok, pant, pant, I'm GOING TO DO THIS!!! A kind of weird shuffle/jog/lurch was born, as I speedily made my way down the concourse. I think my arms were doing the crawl but my legs were doing the hurdles/ice skating... I started cracking up under the pressure. My boyfriend was at first walking alongside me, then walking a little ahead, pulling me by the hand, then really dragging me along, and then POP! our hands parted and he legged it away to the train! I was left staggering, hoping, and swimming alone, in a desperate and stupid effort to get to the platform on time. Just then I heard the loud whistle of the train as it prepared to depart. I started laughing at myself, knowing it was really impossible, when I realised that they were actually holding the train for me. My boyfriend had told them I'd hurt my leg and couldn't go fast - they waited a few seconds and I GOT ON THE TRAIN!!!

Oh glorious feeling ==> I WAS PANTING AND SWEATING!!! Oh lovely fast beating heart....! I was out of breath and panting at last, and I could really feel my heart thump (just from a little weeny jog – pathetic but true. After three months of slow steady beating.)

Luckily I didn't fall over and do any damage - that could have happened - but luckily didn't. So now I know for sure: I can't run at all, but I can swim in the air.

Why is it shocking?

2006-05-03T22:57:00.000+01:00

She's white, pregnant, disabled and naked. And she stis atop a tall, tall plinth in Trafalgar Square, London. I'm from the Home Counties so I was shocked. It was because I was confronted with an image that was so public and looked so defiant, when I had already decided it shouldn't be so public. It was kind of embarrassing. An image of someone completely nude and disabled AND pregnant shouldn't be so... so.. defiant and powerful. Is that it...? Or, if I'm honest, am I just sick and tired of yet another naked female body in public?

I am lucky

2006-04-23T18:51:00.000+01:00

I've got friends who I really love. And it's such a blessing. :-)

Teeth

2006-03-19T10:21:00.000Z

I wonder if, when I yawn near my cat, she inwardly scoffs at my unimpressive array of teeth? If my daughter yawned near her it'd be a different story since when she opens her mouth the world is confronted by a few small teeth, but a large amount of (glittery) plastic and quite a bit of metal. It's pretty impressive, until she tries to say something, and then it's, "shsooiuoshlolnshelsheaash."

We Miss Wit

2006-03-14T18:51:00.000Z

Wit has gone. Last seen Friday 10th March in the morning.
Wit left the house (presumably for a brief trip) but was never seen again.
It's all very sad.

Could have been nabbed by a fox, chased into oblivian by a mad raving dog, or run over by a car, or trapped in someone's garage or shed...

All options are horrible. So now we live without Wit.

We're Going to Start Emitting Odours

2006-03-09T11:53:00.000Z

So now two plugs don't work in the house. One plug is used to turn on the shower - so now we can't wash because there is no bath either; and the other gives power to the washing machine, so we can't wash our clothes.

Now what does one do?

Question

2006-03-06T17:18:00.000Z

It's not necessary to scratch every itch.

So why do I?

Cats are Great

2006-02-25T19:12:00.000Z

"Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat."

- Mark Twain Notebook, 1894

A Proverb from China...

2006-02-25T10:51:00.000Z

A peasant must stand a long time on a hillside with his mouth open, before a roast duck flies in.

Swallows of Kabul

2006-02-17T23:42:00.000Z

After 36 years in the Algerian military, Mohamed Moulessehoul knows all about war. But now that he's beaten his sword into a pen, it may prove mightier. Even before he left the Army to live in France, Moulessehoul had started writing under his wife's name, Yasmina Khadra, to avoid military censors. His latest novel is a surgical strike against fundamentalism more penetrating than anything the Pentagon could devise.

'The Swallows of Kabul,' a popular and critical success in France, tells the story of two doomed couples in the Afghan capital, ruined and ruled by Taliban soldiers.

Darwin's Theory

2006-02-17T09:48:00.000Z

...Darwinian man, though well-behaved,
at best is only a monkey shaved.

Conversations with a Stone

2006-02-07T12:11:00.000Z

This is one of my favourite poems. It's so brilliant.
Who is talking to who? What is talking to who?

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me. Let me come in.
I want to enter your insides,
have a look around,
breathe my fill of you."

"Go away," says the stone, "I'm shut tight.
Even if you break us to pieces we'll all still be closed.
You can grind us to sand, we still won't let you in."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I've come out of curiosity,
only life can quench it.
I mean to stroll through your palace,
then go calling on a leaf, a drop of water.
I don't have much time.
My mortality should touch you."

"I'm made of stone", says the stone,
"and must therefore keep a straight face.
Go away. I don't have the muscles to laugh."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I hear you have great empty halls inside you,
unseen, their beauty in vain,
soundless, not echoing to anyone's steps.
Admit you don't know them well yourself."

"Great and empty, true enough," says the stone,
"but there isn't any room.
Beautiful, perhaps, but not to the taste of your poor senses.
You may get to know me but you'll never know me through.
My whole surface is turned toward you,
all my insides are turned away."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I don't seek refuge for eternity.
I'm not unhappy. I'm not homeless.
My world is worth returning to.
I'll enter and exit empty-handed.
And my proof I was there will be only words,
which no-one will believe."

"You shall not enter," says the stone,
"you lack the sense of taking part.
No other sense can make up for your missing sense of taking part.
Even sight heightened to become all-seeing
will not do you good without a sense of taking part.
You shall not enter, you have only a sense of what that sense should be,
only its seed, imagination."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I haven't got two thousand centuries,
so let me come under your roof."

"If you don't believe me," says the stone,
"just ask the leaf, it will tell you the same.
And a drop of water, it will say what the leaf has said.
And, finally, ask a hair from your own head.
I am bursting with laughter, yes laughter,
vast laughter, although I don't know how to laugh."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in."
"I don't have a door", says the stone.

Now I'm worried

2006-02-02T14:47:00.000Z

This afternoon my four year old cat sneezed into my mouth. It was a most surprising event and hasn't happened before. I was leaning over stroking her gently and muttering sweet nothings into her ear when she cutely leaned back and stared into my eyes. I look up at the kitten who was trying to muscle in on the action and my mouth must have been open. Nighty, my big cat, then breathed in suddenly and quite audibly - which is an unusual thing for a cat to do, and then: weshuuoo! she sneezed right into my mouth, making the kitten and me start so violently we both jumped backwards. I think I may have swallowed.

What's going to happen now? Am I going to get cat flu? Will I start growing thick black hair over my body and whiskers on my face (oh, no, that already happens). Perhaps my butt will elongate and start dragging over the floor behind me..

Oh gross!

To die every day?

2006-02-01T14:47:00.000Z

"Freedom from the known is death; and then you are living."

-- J.Krishnamurti

Speaking in Tongues

2006-01-17T00:13:00.000Z

The other day my daughter said something like, "vectors, sectors, hypotenuse, quadratic equations..." and more. I obviously offered her the paracetamol and a cold flannel, hoping she'd recover soon, but it was a worrying moment. I didn't think you could still be possessed by the devil so blantantly in this day and age, but I am clearly proved wrong.

I wrote this years ago.

2006-01-16T00:02:00.000Z

Rain
Chill
Blurred sight
Disorientation
Fracturing heart
The urge to run away
Mind exploding
No-where to go.
Soul hurting.
Confusion.
Violence
Cold
Rain

Lost at sea
Abandoned in the desert
Forsaken on a mountain
Crouched in the grass
Silence at the core
Empty in the eyes
Dry in the mouth
Wild hair
Shaking fingers
Beating, beating, pulsing body
Aching, breaking, devastating heart

Lonely in the town
Single in the city
Painful thoughts
Hateful memories
Restless mind

Music is my solace
Stillness is my aim
Trapped in the trap
No more games

Dreaming
Wishing
Hoping
Regretting

I drove him away
I did it. He said so.
I made him leave.
He got sick of me.

I am tired of myself.
Unhappy with me
Divided inside –
When will I be free?

Why is it that...?

2006-01-12T11:49:00.000Z

If you make a critical remark, or say something negative about Islam that Arab people immediately ask you to stop HATING then? From their point of view it seems that you are either one of them or you must HATE them.

I can only guess this must be because they're judging everyone else by their own standards. Actually it's quite clear in that religion that anyone who isn't a believer is either dismissed or disliked. They have a superiority complex!

It tells believers to feel like this in the Koran. It states that believers and unbelievers are not equal. It makes a great deal of fuss about people who do not believe in Allah as the only God, and Muhammad as his most recent messenger. If you don't believe you are NOT ACCEPTED. If you criticise them you must HATE them. It's so extreme, divisive and simplistic. The Koran says that unbelievers are hypocrites who have disease in their hearts. It says in the Koran 33:61:

'They shall have a curse on them: wherever they are found, they shall be seized and slain (without mercy).'

And following on from this sentence 33:62:

'(Such was) the practice (approved) of God among those who had lived aforetime: no change wilt thou find in the practice (approved) of God.'

[Yes I have read the Koran. Twice. Two different translations]

Hot Water Bottles are Good for Stomach Cramps

2006-01-09T13:33:00.000Z

Tissues are good for noses.
Silence is good for the mind.
Fresh air is good for the personality.
My bed is good for the cats.

A cup of tea makes anything feel better.

Being tired is not good for my badminton game!

You Don't Seem to Understand

2006-01-06T23:36:00.000Z

Not having you in my life is like having the rug pulled away from beneath my feet.

I miss you.
I miss the company, the support, the kindness.
Your knowledge, your ability, your helpfulness.
Your company.
Your company. I'm lonely without you. I'm unsure and doubtful. I worry a little.

I think of you almost every minute of the day.

But it HAS to be this way because I was not happy with you. And neither were you happy with me, if you dare to admit it.

I want to be close friends with you in the future, but not now, not yet. It's too close. Give me a year or so...

This is not something I've done willy-nilly.
It's not something I don't mean.
I mean it, and I won't change my mind.

Let time heals our hearts; let us cry and remember. Let us be sorrowful sometimes, but don't forget: it is better than carrying on in that way. You know it deep down and so do I. I'm very, very sorry.

I hope I'll always know you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Those kisses are for you. You know I don't want to kiss anyone else.

I didn't

2006-01-04T19:09:00.000Z

I washed the dishes this morning. Before shopping, before going to the bank, before work. I put the spider in the kitchen bin before washing the container that it had made a base for its new home. It will climb out before I get round to empting it.

I made a typo when writing that last sentence.

I will climb out of the bin soon too, I hope.

Times Stands Still at My House

2006-01-03T17:53:00.000Z

A cobweb has built up amongst the dishes abandoned on the side waiting to be washed up.

Things are not looking good.

I'll do it later tonight. After badminton. After the shower. After the food.

Will I?

Clear Thinking

2006-01-02T20:57:00.000Z

I will make the decision in the morning. I think it's wise not to make important decisions in the heat of the moment if they're negative decisions.

One of my New Year resolutions was to have clear thoughts.

Having clear thoughts means taking off the layers of emotion that cloud the eyes, distort the heart, and direct the mind.

I think to make the decision without emotion dominating the moment is best. Then I think you make the decision based on a truth.

We understand one another nicely

2005-12-22T15:27:00.000Z

no bread = no toast = missed breakfast = empty stomach = BAD MOOD

I just have to face it

2005-12-18T21:21:00.000Z

I'm not dying of cancer. It's a difficult realisation to come to after all these years of worrying. Since I was in my teens I was sure I would find a cancerous lump sooner or later, but it just hasn't happened. I don't think I can realistically worry that I've got, or might be getting, cancer any more. There just is no evidence. I simply haven't got cancer. I'm probably not going to get it either. It's a weird and strange thought, but I need to come to terms with it. Slowly. I still don't really believe it. Surely I'll get it any day now? Surely I'll find a lump tomorrow that'll turn out to be MALIGNANT and I'll be diagnosed with only three months to live..??!

Oh God - that really happens to some people. I think they must be the bravest, most incredible, most terrified people on earth. My heart goes out to them. Every day - when I realise I'm not joining their group. Yet.

Remember the first time you...

2005-12-13T18:35:00.000Z

...see her handwriting.

These days, it's shockingly personal, intimate, and revealing.

E-mails, text messages, SMS etc are just words on a screen.

Men in Arab Countries / Islamic Men

2005-12-08T12:47:00.000Z

It seems to me that Arab men/men who believe in the religion of Islam have become the most pagan and primative of all humans. Why?

1) They senselessly slaughter animals in ritual by slitting their throats
2) They treat their women like slaves and sexual objects
3) They rape, torture, kill, threaten, humiliate, subjugate and aggress all other creatures
4) When they come to the enlightened West they go crazy on drugs, drink, and sex.

What's wrong with Islam and Arab countries/traditions that turns their men into base, selfish animals? Show me a man who believes in Islam and is not sexist, prejudiced, believes in slaughtering animals, has aggressive sexual deviances, and is utterly obsessed with women and sex? Does the world really need another backward Islamic state? Oh yeah - lets create PALESTINE!

Phaaaw - what a rasper!

2005-12-05T23:45:00.000Z

When he exclaimed, "June's just done a rasper," I naturally assumed that the poor woman had just let a smelly one rip right there, very audibly, on the court. The fact that my partner, who plays behind me at the back of the court heard it and I didn't, surprised me greatly. How could I miss a thunderous fart issued forth from the lady just across the net, yet my partner, much further away, heard it clearly?

One of life's little mysteries.

Just to confuse things I replied, " well I'm going to do a basooka next so they'd better be on their guard."

I didn't know a rasper was a really good, fast hard shot! I just assumed it was a fart. I think I can be excused for two reasons:

1) When I was a young boy at school we would have called farts "raspers" if they were really juicy
2) The bloke side of my brain was in fully throttle

This morning I lost the kitten

2005-12-03T11:30:00.000Z

Someone had shut her in a drawer. But at least I found four wooden hangers and a neatly folded crisp packet under the settee.

I have a ladies badminton tournament this afternoon which we'll *probably* win - if I don't go to sleep on court or hit everything into the net.

And by the way, there's nothing wrong with my nose stud. It's a beautiful little sparkling diamond on the outside of my left nostril. (Ok, there's no way you can make the word "nostril" sound attractive or appealing, but that's not the point. It does look very nice.)

"nostril"
"scrotum"
"elbow"
"knee cap"
"arm pit"
"clavicle"

clavicle?

Look at this beautiful creature. I saw it on the internet yesterday. It's called a lapis-lasuli starling.

2005-12-02T12:35:00.000Z

In the pre-history of computers

2005-11-29T23:26:00.000Z

I admit I am organised, possibly anally so, but it does have its uses. For example, I have some really ancient e-mails. The oldest one I have is dated 07/09/1996 and that is *really* old. It says:

"Do you have the fish-bowl? If not, it's somewhere in the carnival, otherwise, have you used the fish-bowl on the binoculars? Have you used the wires at the base of the binoculars on the binoculars?"

I mean, what was WRONG with me back then?? What was I doing? 1996 is really the birth of the internet as we know it and I'm lucky enough to be able to say I was there. But I think I must have been taking a lot of painkillers judging by the contents of my messages to the one and only other person who I knew who used e-mails and had an e-mail address. My next e-mail reads:

"I needed a pass to enter the bulding and the petty, officious guard took AGES sorting it out. Mum and I were rolling our eyes at each other like a couple of drunken goats. I hope to God he didn't see us. At about 4.30pm I walked to whitehall and got the bus to Tottenham Court rd then the no. 73 to Kings Cross. I arrrived home absolutely exhausted."

At least I had a life in those days.

AAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

2005-11-28T11:26:00.000Z

The storm has cleared, the weather lifted, fog dispersed, rain ceased, and the wind calmed.

The view is peaceful once more. Just a gentle, wide rolling hill leading off into the hazy yellow distance, with the odd green tree dotted about.. and perhaps a lazy, languid cow nibbling the grass and chewing slowly.

I am that cow. I am the only cow in his herd. And it's nice being herded once more.

The only way to cope with all this is to get a hair cut

2005-11-25T12:17:00.000Z

And because my troubles have been so bad lately I think I should get a PERM!

The Maelstrom

2005-11-24T23:35:00.000Z

First I moved out. Then Howard and I separated. I couldn't get my internet connection going in the new house and the cat went missing, presumed dead. I got a nasty cold, then my hard drive broke and I lost very important data. Howard had an evening out skiing and dinner with a good-looking girl and I got a headache. The mobile phone they delivered was the wrong one and the vacuum cleaner, bought and paid for, never arrived. I played badly in a badminton match and had a row with a lady on court because she bossed me around too much, and then I felt guilty afterwards. We don't have any food in the fridge and I am developing a painful blister. I STILL haven't been paid for the work I've done and there isn't enough money in the bank to pay the rent. My life is shit right now!

I don't actually want to lose any more weight, especially around my face. Why is it that when you put on weight the first place it goes to is the bum and stomach, but when you lose weight the first place it disappears from, is the face and boobs? LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR.

Now I know I'm getting old

2005-11-17T18:55:00.000Z

"Have you got arthritis, dear?" the woman in the jewellery shop asked me kindly. I goggled at my gnarled, knobbly, witch-like claws held in a loosly clenched fist shape. "No, no, " I answered breezily, "I just have defined knuckles. I get it from my dad... It's an inherited characteristic."

[ I just used the words "gnarled, and "knobbly" and "knuckles". English is a great language! ]

I hurried home to try and shove rings on my fingers but no, they wouldn't pass over the knuckles. And look! My right index finger is not going straight up, but is doing a vague 's' shape. No, no, no! I can't have spots, a moustache, tonsillitis, arthritis, a neck as long as the M11, and a weird skin condition all at the same time.

By the way, I'm single now if anyone's interested.

I do not want:

2005-11-15T18:43:00.000Z

viagra
OEM software
an enlarged penis
a rolex watch
to renew my paypal details
or to help Mr. Motjeku from Botswana with his investment banking scheme

Who the hell does? I mean, who wants these things? Who is going to buy so-called viagra from a dodgy internet site? Who is going to part with lots of money to "help" someone in Africa make an investment? Are people completely stupid? Who wants an enlarged penis? ???Mmmm? Oh all right, that's a reasonable desire. But the others are plainly unwanted.

Was it something I said?

2005-11-15T18:34:00.000Z

The spot on my chin?
The faint kitten wee smell coming from the bathroom?
The length of my neck?
My irritating habit of being really tidy?
My moustache?

Splosh!

2005-11-11T20:01:00.000Z

Carrying a bag stuffed with feminine sanitary items, a large cup of hot mushroom soup, and a purse of money, I tried to type in the secruity code to make the door open, while at the same time answering my mobile phone to someone who wanted to come and look at the piano.

And so of course...

It soaked right through to my underclothes and looked like I'd just been sick. The brown bib of bitty, gunky slop spread slowly out into an oval stain on the front of my shirt. I got the door open WITHOUT spilling the contents of my bag of feminine sanitary items thank God, and walked into the office looking like a total mess.

I did actually laugh at myself though. :-)

Never mind about death...

2005-11-10T12:24:00.000Z

I'm in prison!! Yes, I moved house but have not been able to get an internet connection for the last week. Since I've moved the line's been --> silent. Like a grave. A weird no-noise, no-response is coming from my internet explorer. A nasty, vindictive flashing light is coming from the DSL button on my modem. It's like I've had a vital organ amputated.

I've had a vital organ amputated.

What happens when someone is denied something they really need (I need the internet for work, as well as for fun)? I have to maintain equanimity, keep calm, stop pacing, and pay lots of money to BT phoning them every day to ask them why I'm not getting the service I'm paying for. Gau...gau...gau*!$F&%!!!

My dentist looked into my mouth and declared, "you're a very stressed lady."

What happens to your teeth or gums or tongue when you're stressed?

Ugh, I dread to think. (But I do continue to brush my teeth. Perhaps I do it too manically? Perhaps I'm taking all my frustrations out on my poor old pearly whites and wearing them down to tiny little points? Maybe I'll have to have dentures at the age of 36? Hmmm, now I realise why my toothbrush look like a mascara brush).

Ouch again!

2005-11-04T17:18:00.000Z

The kitten clawed me right in the middle of a mole on my back, which is now bleeding. Now I'm going to get MALIGNANT MELANOMA to go along with my clostridium difficile, nasty fungal infection and alarming cardiac arrests (that only occur at night). I'm worrying about my health, but my daughter just says, "mmmm, the food smells delicious."

Once I thought I had rabies, but then I learnt that it doesn't exist in this counrty. Must have been something else.

Ouch, the new kitten thinks my nose stud is a nipple

2005-11-03T18:28:00.000Z

Yes, ouch. She jumps up onto my shoulder (perhaps to comfort me now that I am moving out?) and licks my nose (I let her - does that make me seriously weird?). She finds my nose stud and revs up those purrs like a Yamaha VMAX in my ear.

I'm tired these days. Not getting enough sleep. Too stressed. Things will improve though because:

Life is an ever constant shifting, changing, moving landscape. Nothing is forever. Not even my nose stud.

The bad times don't last; and by the same token the good times don't last. This is the law of nature. If you see and accept this you can roll with the punches and smile in the pain and be still in the chaos and be chaotic in the stillness.

"Whatever, dude."

And So I Moved Out

2005-10-31T13:10:00.000Z

Three years of learning and trying and discovering.
I will never forget it.

But ultimately it has ended and I need to be alone with my daughter.

[ sigh ]

Modern living.

Did You Know This? (Naming and shaming uncivilised countries)

2005-10-27T13:35:00.000+01:00

Four Reasons Why Women are Forbidden to Testify in Criminal Proceedings in Saudi Arabia
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Women are much more emotional than men and will, as a result of their emotions, distort their testimony.

2. Women do not participate in public life, so they will not be capable of understanding what they observe.

3. Women are dominated completely by men, who by the grace of Allah are deemed superior. Therefore, women will give testimony according to what the last man told them

4. Women are forgetful, and their testimony cannot be considered reliable.

This is important

2005-10-24T16:47:00.000+01:00

What is love?

There are two types of love. Just two:

Holy love
Normal love

Holy love is what parents have for their children. It is God. It is direct communion.

Normal love is what we have for our partners, our homes, our pets, our friends (well, some of them).

Holy love is rare.
Normal love is all over the place.

Holy love is not identification.
It is not thought.
It is not of the mind.
It is not need.
It is not desire, or want.

You do not need to prove holy love to others, or to yourself. Holy love is non-attachment. You do not miss them when they go. You don't need the other for anything. When they die, it's fine. You love them.

Standing Around in the Kitchen

2005-10-20T16:27:00.000+01:00

"Do you think you'll ever want children?" I asked, swallowing a spoon of rhubarb youghurt.

He looked away and changed the subject.

I rinsed my spoon and started loading the dishwasher.

Ambitions for the future

2005-10-12T17:35:00.000+01:00

--> Grow hair to disguise massive length of neck

--> Buy and wear scarves to disguise massive length of neck

--> Find out why my neck looks like a tree with roots

--> Become less obsessed with necks

--> Get better at badminton, say "bollocks" less on court

--> Make porridge and lace it with single cream and sugar

--> Work more, skive less

Senile dementia

2005-10-10T17:12:00.000+01:00

I am suffering from brain << crack >> today.

Parked car in loading-only bay
Went to bank, deposited cheque
Went to shop
No cash to buy item
Went back to bank
Wrong bank!
Went to other bank
Drew out twice amount of cash I wanted
Went back to original bank
Put half the money back in
Realised took money out of wrong account and put into wrong account
Frowned
Went back to shop
Announced am mentally ill
Bought item
Walked out of shop exhausted by my stupidity

Congrataltlutulstions!

2005-10-09T15:30:00.000+01:00

Yes, I am a bozo. I'm a writer who suddenly finds herself unable to think, remember, spell and do joined-up handwriting, in a moment of great pressure.

They handed round the card to be signed. Someone is getting married. Everybody knows who it is except me. It's one of these guys called 'Phil,' but who is Phil? Glasses, nasty thatch of yellow hair? Tall, pointed nose, spots? Short, Geordie, sexist git? Can't remember, mind gone blank. But have to write on the card because everyone's gathered round, and the card is put in front of me, ballpoint pen eased between my fingers, expectant smiles on people's faces...

"Hey dude!
Yesterday is mystery
Tomorrow is history
Today is a gift."
Congratualtions on your wedding,
Love Jackie x"

And then I realise that it's yesterday that's history and tomorrow that's mystery, of course. How embarrassing to compose a piece of philosophical wisdom and get it all mixed up. What a DWEEB.

God. I need help. I'm a writer and I can't think, write, spell or remember who is called Phil in the Squash club.

She put down her knife and fork

2005-10-07T13:58:00.000+01:00

Her eyes lit up, and from behind a cupped hand she confided, "just looking at him is enough to sustain me for a day." And I tried to remember what she meant.

There was a flicker somewhere in my mind. Yes, that's what it's like to be married and having an affair. You're full of life, sparkle, happiness, energy. Your marriage is happier, saved, less argumentative. You can praise the merits of your husband! You don't pick over his many bad points so obsessively and don't mind about that fact that he's so boring and the sex is a bit of a duty. You're a good role model for your children.

Life is good, for a while. Until it goes wrong, which it always does. But it may not be so bad. Who knows? It may be. It's covering the wound with a plaster. The wound is still there, you just can't see it.

I swallowed a mouthful of mushroom omelette and nodded.

"You can't be everything to one person, it's just not possible."
"I know, the church has brainwashed us."
"Think what it was like during the Roman times. And what about the ancient Greeks?"
"Look even closer in time than that. Remember the Chinese and their concubines, the Indians, Arabs and their many wives."
"That'd be great wouldn't it? Knowing it's not you alone who has to sleep with that ugly, fat, bald bloke, but the others have to take their turn too. Think of the sisterhood. The support network. The giggling to be had."
"Yes. Queen Victoria has a lot to answer for."

A fart in a hurricane

2005-10-06T22:51:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I think this is about as much impact as I'll have on life in general.

And sometimes I think that's a good thing!

I used to think I'd change the world (that was when I was in my teens)
Then I started to I think I'd change myself (that was when I was in my twenties)
After which I thought I'd change my partner (thirties of course)

Now I realise I'm a fart in a hurricane

(I'm still in my thirties, so there's time left to change the world, myself, and my partner)

Why Should I Bother With Optimised Online Copywriting?

2005-09-21T18:28:00.000+01:00

It's no good having a creative, individual website with brilliant, informative copy if customers can't find you on the internet. On the other hand, it's also detrimental if you have a website that can be easily found (has a high ranking) but people become bored and alienated reading it.

Producing effective online copywriting is a creative process blending art and science in a balanced technique combining many different elements. This integration of disciplines is required to satisfy both the technical and the aesthetic objectives of a website.

Optimised online copywriting should ensure that your website is:

--> highly readable to your viewers
--> highly visible to the search engines, and thereby
--> commercially successful for you.

Many people and businesses don't have the time to actually write web copy themselves. A professional freelance copywriter can furnish you with keyword-rich, highly original web content to enhance and improve the quality of your website with the aim of transforming more of your visitors into customers.

Rarely will you get a second chance to engage your customer's attention, so your first shot must be formatted for maximum sales potential, catching the eye of the search engine robots as well. But not too much... If your copy goes overboard in favour of the search engines it earn you a penalty from Google that will negatively effect your rankings. Your website must always have the reader as priority. This makes more business anyway.

Search engines provide a way for potential customers to find you on the internet. People type a keyphrase or keyword into a search engine, such as Google, Yahoo or MSN (or one of the many other popular engines) and this returns a page of listings - web page suggestions for that particular phrase or word. Obviously, you want your website to feature highly in this list.

Optimised online copywriting specifically targets the words and phrases people are using when searching for a product on the internet (Search Engine Marketing (SEM), keyword research). You want to make sure your website stays at the top of the listings so people go to your website before others. With targeted copy in place, search engines are more likely to index your web site on page one than if it does not include keyword-rich copy. This is an ever more important issue when dealing with Google, the leading search-engine today.

To rank highly in the search engines the words on your web pages should never be an afterthought, but should be included right at the beginning in the original design of your website. Content development is the most valuable asset web developers can utilise in the bid for productive, successful search engine optimisation and Search Engine Marketing (SEM).

Hiring a professional copywriter is a wise investment in your business future. Even if you don't want to optimise your site you should make sure that the words on your site are reasonable, enticing, spelled correctly and artfully arranged to engage attention. Just because you can type letters or write some emails doesn't mean you can write the copy for your website. The writing on your homepage is often how people determine whether the website is a scam or the genuine article. Your website's credibility takes a nose-dive if the spelling is wrong, or the grammar is incorrect, or it just reads like bad, clumsy English. People will be disinclined to trust your content.

Within the search engines new technologies and algorithms are being developed all the time to make search methodologies smarter, more astute. It's never a coincidence when someone types in a search phrase and your website is indexed highly on the page. Keyword rich online copywriting is a significant and critical component in gaining high rankings on the search engines.

Recently, Google has been pioneering a new trend of intelligent search engines which are not attracted by mere repetition of words throughout the text, but which look for meaning, attempting to make grammatical sense of the information, trying to understand what the web page is actually saying. This is forcing webmasters to improve the content on their web pages or suffer the consequences. The old saying has never been more relevant: "content is king."

Visit Freelance Copy UK for more information about online copywriting:

http://www.freelance-copy.co.uk

Wise words from someone who DOES NOT EAT oatmeal

2004-12-02T10:16:00.000Z

"If you don't want to die, you shouldn't have been born," my 12 year old daughter wrote on a note and left for me to read this morning over a steaming hot cup of fruit tea.

It's true, I nodded.

No-one but my image of myself was watching me ( so I could look hideous if I liked, or pick my nose, break wind, or scratch my ear in a prolonged unattractive manner). Doesn't matter. My image filters out the little human non-niceties that happen.

Anyway, it's my fault because I was born. Death is the price we pay for the unwanted gift of life.

But now that I have it, I kinda feel I need it. It's good marketing! Give them life (which they never realised they wanted in the first place) and then when they've got used to it they'll think thay can never do without it.

Worked for me. I can't live without it.